An impasse...

It hurts. It really hurts.

I am overwhelmed by this feeling that I do not understand.

I cannot tell if I am sad or happy.

I am neither sad nor happy.

I am lost in this empty circle.

Going over this impasse over and over again.

I am exhausted.

I wish I could just shut out everything that reminds me of it.

I wish I could shout “Please stop telling me how you feel ”

I cannot understand how you feel.

I can never feel that devotion in your words,

And it hurts that I cannot feel the same about it.

It really hurts.

Please be careful and stop opening up my wounds.

I know you do not mean to hurt me.

So just stop reminding me of what I will never have.

A nameless thought...

When I think that you will die some day I feel nothing.

As abnormal as it may look like I cannot deny it.

When I think of you and death I feel nothing.

I do not feel the loss of someone that should be significant.

I do not feel any pain.

And then I think, am I that cold-hearted?

How can I be that cruel?

It cannot be normal.

And then I think to myself,

Wake up girl, it was never normal to begin with.

I was told that when it really happens I will feel differently

That I will feel the loss even if I cannot realize that right now,

But I just cannot make myself believe that.

As much as I want you to matter to me,

I think I’ve lost hope that you would.
Whenever I think about it, I wish with all my heart to be wrong.

I wish that I discover someday that you do matter to me,

And that my mind and my heart were just fooling me.

I pray that I would be proven wrong,

And that when you die,

I will feel that I lost someone significant to me.

I will feel that I lost you.

It's too late to apologize...

Don’t you think it’s a little too late for apologies.

Your apology won’t do anything at all.

It won’t undo what you’ve done.

What’s been done is done,

And the fault is on you.

It’s too late to apologize.

It’s too late.

After all how many times a heart can be mangled,

And be expected to keep beating.

I can only try to forget what you’ve done.

I’ll try to forget that it was you.

You were the one that hurt me,

When you should’ve been the one I turn to.

It’s too late to apologize.

It’s too late.

I know that you’re sorry.

I know that you regret it.

But I just can’t erase the pain.

I can’t heal the deep scar in my heart,

And neither can you.

It’s too late to apologize.

It’s just too late.

Unbearable silence...

I kept myself busy by looking out the window. I was trying to distract myself. I tried to keep myself busy with watching people walking on the streets. Everything around me seemed to be alive except for us.



It’s like we were stuck in this bubble and the outside world couldn’t reach us. Despite the noise outside, I could only hear the sound of our breathing and nothing else.


Minutes passed, I would make a comment every now and then trying to break the silence and all I got was a “hmmm” and then silence again. I just can’t bear it any longer. He’s torturing me and he knows it.


I glanced at him.


He looked so upset. He was frowning the way he always does when he’s thinking about something.


“I’d give anything just to get inside your head right now” I thought to my self. I don’t know why he’s ignoring me like that. He knows I hate being ignored and I don’t like leaving things hanging.


“Why are you ignoring me?” I wanted to scream at him.
I went back at watching the streets, trying to distract myself. I saw a couple walking hand in hand with smiley faces. A tear ran down my cheek. I thought about how the evening started and how happy we were. I was hoping for a smooth evening and it turned out to be a complete disaster.


I turned on the radio, music always managed to alter my mood. There was a nice song playing and I started to relax a little bit.


I glanced at him again and he was still frowning.


“What? What are you thinking? Please tell me I’m losing my mind here,” I screamed inside my head.


The song was over and a new one started; it was our song. At that point I was doing all I can to control myself but I could not hold myself together any longer.


“Please stop the car.” My voice broke mid-sentence.


“Why?” he looked at me. He frowned even more when he realized I was crying.


“Just please stop the car. We need to talk”


“Can’t you wait till we reach home?”


“No I can’t. STOP THE CAAAAAR.” I lost it. I needed to talk now or I’ll go mad.


“Fine” he said while pulling over to the side.


Silence took over again. We weren’t looking at each other. I was gazing ahead and he was doing the same. It seemed like we had nothing to talk about.


Minutes passed and we didn’t speak. I was thinking, trying to figure out what’s the right think to say.
.
.
.
.
.
“I’m sorry” we spoke at the same time.


I smiled at him and he smile back.


He started the car again and I went back to watching the streets. Only now, there was a small smile on my lips. I know that we still need to talk and work things out, but at least that unbearable silence was over…

A simple memory...

A memory saved in my mind

A memory of little you and me.

I wonder how did time move so fast.

Thinking of it makes me want to be a child again.

I look at the photos and it feels like another life time.

Every single game we played, every single true laugh we laughed.

These are memories of good times.

Memories of innocent, pure and unconditional love.

A love that now only exists in my memory.

I miss you, I don’t think you know that,

And every time I see a photo of little us it makes me smile.

Every time I go back to that place I just smile,

Knowing that you’re around, that you’re near.

It's my happy place because of you.

And every time I see you, it feels good cause your a part of my life.

A part of my memories and a part of who I am.

I can't help wondering what would've happened if I stayed.

I wish I could know what it’d be like if I still had you in my life.

Thank you for being my friend, I’ll never forget those days.
We’ll always have that place in time, just for you and me.

Childish happiness...

I’m still a child from the inside.

I refuse to bury the child in me.

I still like lollipops and jellybeans.
I’ll play whatever silly game my young cousins are playing

Just to enjoy their laughs and mine.

I still watch Tom and Jerry and laugh my heart out.

I still love swings and I’d get on one as soon as I spot it.

I don’t care if it’s embarrassing.

So what if a 20 year old is playing with little kids.

At least I get to laugh.

No grown up can make me smile the way my 2 year old cousin can.

I just can’t resist stepping into the world of innocence.

The world that used to be mine one day.

It’s a world where I can do whatever I want.

I don’t have to make decisions or to talk about important things.

Can’t I enjoy being a little girl for a little while?

I don’t care if it’s crazy, or ridiculous.

But actually I feel free when I’m around kids.

They are not mean, their hearts are pure.

They won’t judge you or hurt you.

They just want to play.

So excuse me If want to enjoy the child that I am.

I will not let go of her not matter how old I get.

This child might not know what’s best for me.

But she definitely knows what makes me happy.

So I’ll be that child whenever I need a few laughs

With my young friends and my lollipop.

I’ll be her whenever I need to be free.

Whenever I need to be childishly happy.

I'm only human...

I’m only human.

I’m not a super hero, I don’t have super powers.

I can’t change everything, I have no power over fate.

I can’t be happy when I feel sad.

I can’t be calm when I’m mad.

I can only deal with whatever life throws at me.

I’m only human.

I can’t take the pain away no matter how hard I try.

I can’t forget no matter how bad I want to.

Don’ t be surprised that some times I lose hope.

Don’t deny me the right to fall apart.

Don’t deny me the right to feel weak.

I’m only human.

Don’t expect me to smile all the time.

Don’t expect me to always be strong.

I can only cry, scream and fall apart.

Then I’ll pick up the pieces and move on.

Don’t be so hard on me.

I’m only human.