The Mask

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. ~Oscar Wilde

Masks are everywhere around us. We wear masks all the time, and we probably only take them off when in the presence of no one other than ourselves. We conceal the truth behind a mask, afraid of showing our true colors. Masks give us the freedom of being hidden, of thinking anything we like but still appear to be fit within the standard of what is socially accepted. We think that our true self won't be accepted. So, we hide behind a mask to seek social acceptance, to fit in. We convince ourselves that it is better that way, easier. We wear a mask to say what people want to hear, to be what people want us to be, regardless of our true faith and beliefs. Wearing them spare us the trouble of being who we really are and accepting what comes with it. Masks are just easier. 

We further convince ourselves with the beauty of wearing a mask. We believe that somehow it is easier to express any idea when we are hidden and concealed. we can be anything and say anything because we know that it is not who we really are. It is just a mask.

It is ironic that we think we are more free when concealing who we are, when it should be the other way around. However, life teaches us that you can only say the truth when you’re hidden behind any sort of masks, that way you cannot be harmed. As long as what everyone sees is accepted you’re good to go. And you’re always free to think and be whoever you want when you’re alone. We fail to realize that eventually the mask possesses us.

You find yourself doing things that you don’t believe in because your mask obliges you to be a certain person. You go out of your own way to put up with an image that it is not even you. You are always wearing a mask no matter where you are or who you’re with. You hide yourself afraid of what other people would say if they see the real you. Eventually, your lies become the truth and the real truth fades away. 

I do believe in what Oscar Wilde said. Man will never say the truth when he is exposed. Out of fear of rejection, man convinces himself with the easy way out; Just put a mask and be ready to face life. Only those who are brave show their true colors, without fearing others judgement or the consequences of being true to themselves before others. Only those who are brave, walk around life wearing no masks at all. 

Out of sight.. out of mind..

I don't feel the joy I pretended to feel anymore.. you being there does not mean to me what I though it would mean.. You are not you anymore and I am not me either.. Your presence does not mean anything more than a part of a pretty picture that I drew in my mind.. You have become a mere decoration in my life.. I thought you meant a lot to me.. No.. you did mean a lot to me.. But suddenly you do not mean that much to me anymore.. And it is not easy.. And it hurts.. That you are not the same person I wanted you to be.. You've changed into a picture in my imagination.. One that I do not really like to visit..



The "I don't care bubble".

He said: You have issues with life!

I said: What issues?!

He said: You over analyze everything, you think too much and you care about everything too much.. You need to chill and be carefree.. Nothing matters.

Now I really don’t remember the whole conversation because it’s been a couple of years now, but it stuck with me “You have issues with life”.. Well I do have issues with life, so it didn’t bother me to have a colleague telling me that. I do over analyze and I do care too much for almost everything. However, the attitude really bother me.. I’m perfectly aware of the issues I have with life. I’ve been hurt, I’m still broken and I still keep getting disappointed by people that I care about. Of course I have issues and it doesn’t scare me.. not at all.

My friend here thinks that life is being carefree all the time, never letting anything or anyone bother you.. Never to care enough about anything or anyone to be bothered actually. I admit that his attitude bothered me every time I talked to him..

I have issues and so does everybody else. I have moment where it’s just very difficult to breath and carry on. There are moments when I just want to give up and jump into a numb state. But here I am; I smile, I care and I’m hopeful… most of the time.  I have faults and I tend to be a little bit too dramatic but hey don’t forget  “ I have issues”. The truth is issues is a very big part of life.

I refuse to live inside a bubble, where I don’t care about anything or anyone and nobody care about me either.. I refuse to be cold and numb fooling myself into thinking that life is just having fun without a care in the world.. I refuse to isolate myself and never let anyone get close enough to me so I don’t get hurt.

Would living inside the “I don’t care” bubble be safe, fun and easy?.. hell yes.. but again would it be really living ?.. I don’t think so.. I gladly refuse to step into the bubble and have everyone wondering how I’m just always cheerful and seem to be having no troubles. I refuse the kind of life that my friend chose and brags about.

I state, just as proudly, that I have issues with life and I struggle with them everyday.. Sometime I win, sometimes I don’t. It’s a part of who I am.. I choose to fight and struggle over losing the ability to feel..

I have issues.. I’m proud.. It means “I’m alive” and I’m experiencing life with everything it has to offer..

Don’t fall for the illusion of the beautiful carefree and easy going “bubble”. It’s a false feeling of security and comfort; you’d find out that you missed out on life when you realize that being inside a bubble is the same as not living at all.

January 25 >> February 11: The birth of a new Egypt

 

11-2-2011

     A day no one will ever forget. I woke up just like any other say since the Egyptian uprising started in January 25. I was still feeling annoyed, well annoyed is really an understatement I felt that someone has knocked the breath out of me, anyway I was still annoyed because of the two very unsatisfying speeches that both our former president and vice president delivered. I fell into the routine of eating and flipping through the news channels waiting for something to happen. I watched as millions gathered in El-Tahrir square and everywhere in Egypt. The day went by just like every other day, until they announced that there will be a statement from the presidency… To be honest, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic about it. Sometime later, I was in the kitchen and suddenly my mom yells “He stepped down”. I dashed through the room, my eyes searching for the TV. As they re-announced that the president has stepped down.

     If we rewind, from the beginning of this truly amazing uprising, you’d find that the Egyptian youth started this and they went on with their plans even when most of the people didn’t believe that they can change the regime. They stayed and defended their point of view until more and more people joined them, then it was transformed from a youth uprising into a peoples uprising. They made everyone believe that this change COULD happen, when most of Egyptians were stuck with depression and negativity. They helped change how the whole country thinks. They stood up against the corruption. They faced all the brutal attacks for the sake of change and for the sake of EGYPT.

     Some people were against this uprising. Some of them might have some concerns that are right, but this uprising changed history and the future WILL be more beautiful Insha’Allah. I support this uprising. I’ve watched the news for 17 days, anticipating every move and desperately wanting to join the protests. Unfortunately I didn’t get that chance to join, but I was there with my heart and my mind. I prayed to God to save those brave, courageous and powerful Protestants. I and everyone else owe our future to these people. They should be respected and they should be thanked.

     The downside of this uprising is the death of some of those Protestants. My heart goes out to all the families that lost a loved one, but they are not lost they will be awarded in paradise. These people didn’t die in vain; these people died for a cause, for EGYPT. They’re all in our hearts..

     Change in everything was a result of this uprising. It wasn’t only the fall of the regime; it was the fall of many negative, false and unhealthy ideas. Now, Egyptians believe in themselves a lot more than they did before January 25. They understand their rights, they know they can change what they don’t want and they are more politically aware than ever. The Egyptian people changed inside and out. I believe that this uprising touched every single Egyptian and changed his or her way of thinking.

     Personally speaking, I was never interested in politics but now I can’t seem to get enough of it. I became highly aware of everything around me and I found out that I really love this country. I’m sure that the majority felt the same way; it awakened everything that was suppressed for many years. People realized that they have the power to change their world but they just never used it.

     This day, February 11 is the birth of new Egypt. Thousands went to the streets to celebrate the fall of the regime. I couldn’t join the protests but I certainly joined the celebrations. Egypt was singing and dancing; people everywhere were waving the flag and cheering. I was walking down one of the very famous streets in Cairo and everywhere I looked people were smiling and cheering. Adults, teenagers and kids everyone was in the streets celebrating. Whenever my eyes meet a stranger they’d smile to me. I felt that I was surrounded by my family. The atmosphere was overwhelming. It was defiantly a night to remember. Egypt was celebrating its new birth in the usual Egyptian warm, funny, active and festive spirit.

     I’m proud of this uprising. I’m proud that I witnessed this uprising and I’m very optimistic about the future. I know it’s not going to be easy; I know that a lot needs to be done and that we all need to work together. I realized how much this country matters to me. Before this uprising I loved this country because I had to, now I love it because I really feel that I’m part of it and because I felt how much it hurts to feel that it could be harmed. This uprising was very enlightening in so many ways.

     Egypt, we’re so very sorry that we kept you waiting for so long. We will never allow anyone to use you for their own benefits again. We will make the future beautiful because we know we can and we love you that much.

     To those people who made this day possible. I thank you, all Egyptians thank you. We owe our future to you. I wish I had the chance to join you and I’m sure that many others like myself had the same wish but since I couldn’t I will do my best to revive this country. Now it’s every Egyptian obligation to do everything he or she can to improve our beloved country EGYPT.

Long live EGYPT.

I’m Egyptian and very very PROUD.

The birth of a new blog..

My dear readers,

I announce the birth of my new blog, in which I write in my mother language "Arabic". I've been wanting to take this step for months and I finally did it. I hope those of you who can read Arabic enjoy that blog as much as they enjoy this one. English is still my passion and I'm happy to explore new horizons so wish me luck :)

http://ta7t-elyasmena.blogspot.com/

A personal statement 2010>>>2011

I’m writing this in the few remaining hours of 2010. I don’t have a plan for this post. I don’t know what I will write. Nevertheless, I’m writing it. Why? Because I want to write one last post before this year ends. It’s an emotional thing so bear with me.

When I try to evaluate this year, I can’t really decide whether it was a happy year or a not so happy year. The first three quarters were fun, incredibly fun actually. I have a lot of happy memories and a lot of awesome friends. The last quarter, however, was not happy. There were a lot of happy moments during the last three months, I can’t deny that but deep down I wasn’t really happy.

I’ve been blessed with so many beautiful people in my life. They make me happy and even though some of them walked away, their effect on my life still lingers. One thing I’ve learned this year is that you can’t know for how long people will stay in your life. Some will stay for a while and some will stay forever. It could be a few days, a few weeks or a few years but the truth is you are going to have limited time with some people. I’ve also learned that it’s very important to always part on good terms. It’s not a very nice feeling to remember someone you used to love in a bad way.

When it’s time to leave, always leave behind you a good memory.

Another thing I learned this year is that I can’t change who I am. I can’t live any other way. I discovered that sometimes it will bring me trouble; sometimes I will be criticized for it but it makes me miserable to try to be somebody else.

My final statement in 2010:

I will always be me. I have no desire to hide any part of my inner self to please anyone. I will love passionately and with all my heart even if it hurts sometimes. I will try my best to keep all the beautiful parts of my soul. I will always see the good in people even if they disappoint me sometimes. I’ll learn from my mistakes and I will never repeat them. I insist on staying the way I am whatever it takes.

My hopes and desires for 2011:

I hope to find peace of mind.

I hope to still have those who love me in my life.

I want to spread love and compassion all around me.

I want to go beyond my dreams.

I want to have an adventure.

I want love, passion and peace.

2010, you were not my best year but you were not my worst. I’m sad that you had to end this way but I'll hold on to the sweet memories.

2011, I hope to find reconciliation in your days and I hope to keep smiling.

Happy new year my dear friends and awesome readers :)


A song for you....

Be free...

When who you really are is not suitable for living nowadays.

When the real you brings you only trouble.

When you find blame if you act spontaneously.

When following your intuition is criticized.

When simply acting the way you like becomes a rare thing.

What should you do?

Insist on being you or try to suppress your intuitive self?

Accept the criticism and the blame

Or

Hide the best parts of you in order to avoid trouble.

I am an intuitive person.

I like to say how I feel and do what I like.

I don’t like to hide anything.

I like being free to say and do what I want.

I enjoy being an open book.

I hate secrets, they trouble me.

I don’t like to hide things, afraid of envious people.

I don’t like to hide things, afraid to be judged.

I like to be free.

I like to be able to say what I want to say, when I feel like saying it.

I don’t care if it brings me trouble.

Living any other way is just more troublesome.

I am who I am.

Whether it’s wrong or right.

Whether it’s suitable or not.

I will always be me.

Just the way I like it.

Journey of life...

On the journey of my life,

I’ve been to so many places so far.

I’ve met people and lost people.

I’ve loved and I’ve been loved.

I’ve been going up and down all the way,

But I’m still standing and I will never fall.

I simply won’t allow it.

I’m a human being with the power to feel

And whatever I’m feeling, I know I have the power to heal.

No matter how hard I fall, I will always rise.

I’ll always do my best to do what’s right.

I’ll give it my best shot to win this fight.

I may feel sad and cry. But I’ll never be broken.

No matter how weak I may look or sad I may feel.

I’ll always fly away and break free.

I’ll always see the stars lighting up the sky.

I’ll always feel a love that never dies.

A love for the journey that never ends.

A love for life.

A life for love.

One year anniversary...

Exactly one year ago I was introduced to the world of  blogging; and ever since blogging became a part of my life, a part I really love. Growing up writing was not among my interests. I loved to read, to draw, to dance but I never thought about writing. So the big question is why do I write??

I was never good with expressing how I feel, and being a very emotional person obviously I had a lot to say. One day I read an article about the power of writing and how it can help you express yourself in a healthy way. I decided to give it a shot without any intention to show what I wrote to anyone. Writing became my therapy, my get away and my salvation. Writing healed my wounds and gave me a new way to express myself.

A year went by and I wrote and wrote without even thinking about posting my writings even on my facebook account, until one day I saw a note written by a friend and it encouraged me to post what I wrote. I started with little notes and sending my poems to my friends. The more feedback I got the more I wanted to write and post my writings. I started posting my writings on groups and all the feedback and support encouraged me to take another step forward.

It began as a way of letting my feelings out and it became a huge part of me. A part I didn’t know existed. A part I never knew I’d love so much. I became addicted to blogging. I was someone who didn’t know how to put her feelings into words and I became someone eager to write about how I feel. I fell in love with writing.

 Today my blog is exactly one year old. I owe a big thank you to my awesome friends who read whatever I sent them and gave me encouraging feedback.

To Nariman Tarek Ashour, You are amazing :D. You were one of the people who inspired me to write. Thank you for your support and for the encouragement.


To Mariam Serag, you always give me the most encouraging feedback ever :D and you helped me choose a name for this blog :D you were a very good supporter. I love you.

 To Bothayna Hossam, Sarah Ammar, Yara Adel and Hoda Medhat you girls were the first people to read my writings and your words of encouragement kept me going :D  

To all my other friends who read what I asked them to read even though they don’t really like reading, thank you for the support guys.

A special thank you to the one who introduced me to blogging and kept telling me to create a blog until I finally did. To my very supportive writing buddy Muhammad Hazem Sherif, thank you for encouraging me to create this blog and to keep writing :D

And a huge thank you to everyone who ever read anything I wrote and made an effort to write me an encouraging comment. To the strangers who kept reading and kept leaving encouraging comments. Your support is what encourages me to keep writing.

Thank you.

A new step...

Today, I opened the closed door and took a new step.

I took a new step so I can open up my heart again.

So I can take a long deep breath,

And feel the fresh air filling my lungs.

I took a new step towards a dream,

A dream of freedom and peacefulness.

A dream of someone I want to be.

I took a new step to be able to believe in dreams again.

I took a new step to erase the old ones.

To let go of the old paths and old dreams.

I took a new step towards courage and adventure.
To have the strength to walk new paths and dream new dreams.

I opened the closed door and took a new step.

A new step away from the past and towards the future.

A new step towards change.

A new step towards life.

The dark Corridors...

Every now and then we take a walk in the long twisted corridors of our minds.

Behind the closed doors that represent the days we’ve lived,

We find the dusty shelves that hold our memories.

Some memories are kept on pretty clean shelves.

Cherished and cared for.

Remembered and Loved!

Some memories are left out with dust piling up on them.

Uncared for and abandoned.

Unloved and disregarded!

We love to go back to our favorite memories,

Relive them over and over in our minds.

We try to avoid unwanted reminders of unwanted moments.

Try to overlook them, pretend that they are not there

And at the back of the long and twisted corridor,

There’s a door standing alone.

The One door we don’t dare open.

The one door that conceals our deepest secrets,

Our worst fears and our scariest memories.

The door that leads to our darkest side.

We don’t like to open that door.

We pretend it’s not there.

We pray that it doesn’t burst open.

We turn back leaving the corridors,

Leaving the good, the bad and the ugly memories.

We know we’ll be back soon for another walk.

We take one last look at what makes us who we are,

And head back to the present.

I need...

Two urges  keep popping out in my mind every time I wonder aimlessly in the corridors of my mind. I have the urge to write and write and write; I don’t know why I’m not writing everything I want to write. This urge comes with a strange need to write in Arabic, something I never thought about, why ?? no reason. For so long I thought in English. Every time I sat down to write anything down even something as simple as a shopping list I’d write it in English, why ?? I have no idea. Well I do actually have some idea; English has always been something dear to my heart. It will always be that way that’s why I chose English as my major in college. I'm simply IN LOVE with English :D 

I don’t understand why I want to start writing in Arabic, or why I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve thought about it several times. Something is missing and I need to find it.

I think I’m scared to try!

That brings me to the second urge that keeps coming back. I feel an inexplicable need to feel deep. I need to have a meaning to my thoughts. I need to start thinking and observing again. I don’t know when did I stop observing what goes around me. I think I stopped observing what’s going on inside me too. I’ve put my mind into sleep mode.

It’s time to wake up!

It’s time to take some new steps.


I need inspiration.


I need freedom of thought. 


I need to breath again.

Falling...

I’m falling into the darkness,

Knowing that no one will catch me.

I trip and I fall.

I try to forget it all,

And move one into the darkness.

Maybe if I keep moving I’ll find the light again.

Maybe somewhere at the end of the road,

The sun is shining and waiting.

Maybe someone will catch me before I hit the ground,

Or maybe not.

All I know is that I’m falling and I don’t really care.

I’m falling and I’m not even scared.

Cause I’m falling alone.

No matter how hard I fell,

Or how bad it hurt.

I’ll be stronger,

Braver,

And ready to fall all over again.

Untitled...

It is amazing how a simple gesture can generate this much of rambling thoughts.

You asked me to do something for you.

A very simple and normal request that elicited a storm of emotions inside my heart.

I was first amazed that you asked me.

It made me feel oddly close to you.

Then I was happy as I felt that this is my place.

I’m finally here.

I felt something I’ve never felt before.

I felt something unfamiliar and at the same time very very sweet.

I was happy, for a moment.

In this moment, I felt something I thought I will never feel.
It was nice but painful.

I was reminded of what was taken from me, what is supposed to be mine.

How can something so simple be so complicated?

How can you enjoy and hate something at the same time?

How can you want something and be afraid of it?

How can you feel something and its opposite?

I will never know !

You & Me

I had an image of you drawn in my mind.

I've always wondered about who you are.

I had a million questions with no answers.

I was never able to silence the yearning I had for you.

I always wanted to know you and let you know me.

I was scared that this day may never come.

I'm still scared.

I say that I gave up on the idea.

I say that I don't really care about it anymore.

They believed it, I believed it.

But the yearning in my heart hits me every time I'm close to you.

I didn't give up, I still care.

And that hurts.

I pushed myself to try again,

I forced myself, ignoring all the aching in my heart.

I tried one more time to get close to you.

I tried not to get my hopes high.

I promised myself I wouldn't expect too much.

But I did hope for a change, a change that I know is impossible.

And that hurts.

I'm here but you can't see me.

You only see what you want to see.

I've tried to tell you, to explain how I felt.

You pretended to listen, you promised me a change.

But I know now that my words didn't affect you.

I know that I'll never get what I need from you.

You will never be mine the way you're supposed to.

You pretend that you're here,

I pretend that you're here.

But deep in my heart I know you will never really be here.

You were gone long ago, and you didn't look back.

And that hurts.

I see my place claimed by another,

I see what should've been mine.

And I try to pretend that it's okay.

It's not okay.

It will never be okay.

I knew I wouldn't like the answers,

But I wanted them anyway.

Not knowing was a nightmare,

and knowing is hell.

I'm tired of you and me.

I can't escape you.

I can't ignore you.

I still belong to you.

And I'm still waiting for you.

I ignore everything that will destroy your image.

It torments me but I have to do it.

I have to still hope for a change,

Even if I know that it might never come.