Nothingness

I opened my eyes slowly, expecting to see the soft morning light slipping through the tiny opening in the curtain. I, instead, was faced with absolute darkness. I was a little disoriented, for a moment I thought I haven't opened my eyes yet or maybe it was still night time. I opened and closed my eyes a couple of times, as if doubting them. But no, I was really enveloped in total darkness.

I fumbled around reaching for my cell phone to see what time it is.. Where did that thing go? I always put it on the bedside table... instead I reached for the bedside lamp to find some light... Where did that go too? Where did the bedside table go?!! I reached to remove the covers to get out of bed.. only to find that there were no covers.. and no bed either. I reached around me, trying to find something to touch.. anything.. and found... nothing!

Where am I? what is this place? what happened?  

I noticed now that I wasn't walking. It was like floating, my feet didn't touch a firm ground. I moved my hands hysterically, trying to find anything around me.. anything.. only to be confronted with only one thing.. absolute, dark nothingness.. (To be continued...)

Like a frozen clock !

S

he walked by the river at sunset like every day, and like every day she tied a scarf around her neck and bought her favorite coffee… Like every day she listened to her favorite band and brought a book with her… Today WAS like any other day… SHE was the same like in any other day.

She walked by her favorite spot… stood still and watched the sun go down. Sunsets were her favorite… Like she always does she started thinking about her life… Every day she thinks about those who hurt her and those who made her happy. Every single day she goes through the same thoughts…

Today started out like any other day… yes… but somehow along the way it became different… something inside her was different… maybe her wound finally healed… maybe she managed to stop the pain…

As she thought about her life, she realized that everyone else has moved on except for her… It was as if she were a frozen clock… standing still in one point of time… stuck! And as she realized that… the clock started ticking again… counting the minutes… She knew that today wasn’t like every day… it was the last day… The last day of being frozen!

Chasing liberty...

S

he always knew she was different. She never understood why sometimes people criticized her actions. She had her own way of perceiving the world. She knew of all the deceit and betrayal out there in the world but she never let fear control her actions. She always trusts her intuition even though sometimes it fails her and she gets hurt.

They always tell her not to be so open, convincing her that it makes her too vulnerable and she would regret it in the end. Her mother tells her in a motherly advice to guard her actions and keep in mind what will other people think. This statement always bothers her, why should she live according to what other people expect? It seems so stupid to her to do things according to other people’s perceptions.

She’s neither stupid nor silly. She knows perfectly well the dangers of the wicked world she lives in. she knows that there will always be people who will betray and hurt her. She knows that she will make mistakes sometimes and fall apart. She knows all that but she simply can’t be someone else. She tried to be cold and guarded; she tried not to be open and friendly with people who are new to her. She tried to conceal her feelings and her true nature; she tried to behave the way people expected from her. She wasn’t happy; She lost herself and ended up pleasing everyone but herself.

People tell her that she’s nice to the point of idiocy sometimes. As if being nice is some flaw. She’d rather pay the price of that flaw than be anything other than herself. She knows that her personality is both her blessing and her curse. She knows that she will suffer but she also knows that it will bring her joy. No matter what anyone thinks of her, some may perceive her as a silly, naive or weak person. Some people may criticize her intuitive nature and her spontaneity. Some may blame her for not thinking about how her actions may be perceived by other people. In the end she will always be herself, she’d given up so much already and she’s not willing to give up that. If people don’t accept her the way she is, then they don’t deserve her presence.

Walking around unfamiliar places...

  I walked around the unfamiliar places, searching through unfamiliar faces trying to process what has just happened. I don't know for how long I've been walking but I can see the sun heading west so I can tell that it's been a while since I left the house. I walked and walked and all I could see around me was unfamiliar places. Places that I don't know and I've never seen before. Everything around me is so different, the streets are different, the people are different, even the air smells different.


   When I look back at the past few days, I can't bring myself to regret my decision to come here. Even though things didn't go according to my plans, even though my decision brought me more misery than comfort, I can't bring myself to regret my decision as I swore to benefit from the experience no matter what happens. 


   I can't tell if it was a good or a bad decision to put myself in such an unfamiliar environment, with no emotional support to back me up. I don't know if it was intuition or merely an impulsive need for the experiment. Yes, this was an experiment. I wanted to push myself beyond my limits. I wanted to force myself out of my comfort zone. I wanted to see what it would be like if this was my life. I did everything I meant to do; I pushed myself, forced myself and tortured myself.

   I'm trying as hard as I can to see the bigger picture, even if it wasn't the picture I had in mind. I did have another picture in mind, maybe it wasn't that much hopeful than this one but I had the benefit of not knowing. Now I know that this is the picture I've got and it may not change for a while or even at all. I'm trying to focus only on the good side of the picture and ignore all the clutter and all the mess. I'm trying my best, I really am.

   There are good sides to the current situation. I did manage to adjust and depend on myself. I was independent already, but living on your own is different. It's one thing to be independent by choice and knowing that you have someone that can help you if you needed help, and it's entirely different to have no one to help you other than yourself. Even though it is a hard experience, I have benefited from it and I'm still benefiting.

   This was a good idea. I followed my intuition when I accepted the invitation to step out of my life and step into another one temporarily. I wanted to try the other side of the coin that represents my life. Was it an unpredictable decision? Yes it defiantly was, but was it a bad one? No I don't think so. It's an adventure, and in every adventure there are always some obstacles and some misfortunes but they never lessen the thrill of the adventure.


I took a deep breath as I reached the end of my self-performed pep talk and told myself:

"Remember this is an adventure."

"You can do this, it's only temporarily."

 "Follow your intuition, trust yourself."

I kept telling myself that as I headed back to the house that was temporarily called "home"

The 21st floor balcony...

She sighed deeply,as she viewed the city from the 21st floor balcony. The place was so peaceful as if reminding her of what she always seeks, “a quiet mind”. Everything just looked so small from up there, even her problems seemed smaller to her. She could see the endless sky; it was quiet and beautiful. She could finally relax and let the gentle wind carry away all her troubles. 


She nestled deeper in her rocking chair and closed her eyes, embracing the peace she always wanted with a tiny smile on her lips. On her way up to the 21st floor, she left behind all her sorrows, all her tears and all her troubles .This place was meant to be peaceful and shouldn’t be tainted with all the mess in her mind.


A gentle breeze ruffled her hair as she opened her eyes again to the beautiful scene before her eyes. She watched the sunset as the sun tainted the blue sky with a delicate orange color. It was a beautiful painting created by God and she got to see and enjoy such beauty form this remarkable place.


She remembered when she was a little girl afraid of heights, yet always wanted to see how little everything looks form up there, even if it scares her. She was a different person back then. She was fun, adventurous and outgoing. Her smile was always there lighting up her face, she was happy and everything around her seemed full with possibilities.


On the 21st floor balcony, she let go of her fears. She became a free spirit. It wasn’t just a beautiful spot to watch the city from the top or enjoy a beautiful view. The 21stfloor balcony was her sanctuary; it’s a place where she can be whoever she wants to be, where she can let go of the dreams she didn’t realize and dream new ones. It’s a place that brings her back to that time where everything was possible. That time when she wanted everything and much more.


She loved the time she spent away fromhe world in her own space. It was her place and her peace. She cherished sitting there in her rocking chair on the 21st floor balcony with her hopes, her dreams and her quiet mind.

Childish innocence...

She was running around the place jumping here and there when I told her to come lie down next to me. Stubborn as she is I had to lure her by waving my arms and pointing out at the sky telling her to come look at the pretty stars. After a few moments of describing how beautiful they are she finally came and nestled next to me.


She pointed out at the sky saying “Dis, dis” I smiled and told her “yes, look pretty stars. Wave bye-bye” I started waving my hands and of course she joined me. She was giggling and waving both her hands shouting “bah-bah”. Watching her so excited made me feel so happy, I couldn't stop smiling and waving with her. The moment was pure, simple and full of joy. Of course she wouldn’t stay still for more than ten minutes so the moment had to end but the joyful sensation remained.



Waving at the stars with a two-year old might seem a childish and ridiculous thing for a twenty-year old to do but honestly I don’t mind being ridiculous and I absolutely love being childish sometimes. Being around that much innocence fills my heart with joy and peace, so I don’t mind behaving like a two-year old every now and then :).


“No matter what happens... always keep your childish innocence.” Quoted form “Under The Tuscan Sun”

                                                                         N.

Unbearable silence...

I kept myself busy by looking out the window. I was trying to distract myself. I tried to keep myself busy with watching people walking on the streets. Everything around me seemed to be alive except for us.



It’s like we were stuck in this bubble and the outside world couldn’t reach us. Despite the noise outside, I could only hear the sound of our breathing and nothing else.


Minutes passed, I would make a comment every now and then trying to break the silence and all I got was a “hmmm” and then silence again. I just can’t bear it any longer. He’s torturing me and he knows it.


I glanced at him.


He looked so upset. He was frowning the way he always does when he’s thinking about something.


“I’d give anything just to get inside your head right now” I thought to my self. I don’t know why he’s ignoring me like that. He knows I hate being ignored and I don’t like leaving things hanging.


“Why are you ignoring me?” I wanted to scream at him.
I went back at watching the streets, trying to distract myself. I saw a couple walking hand in hand with smiley faces. A tear ran down my cheek. I thought about how the evening started and how happy we were. I was hoping for a smooth evening and it turned out to be a complete disaster.


I turned on the radio, music always managed to alter my mood. There was a nice song playing and I started to relax a little bit.


I glanced at him again and he was still frowning.


“What? What are you thinking? Please tell me I’m losing my mind here,” I screamed inside my head.


The song was over and a new one started; it was our song. At that point I was doing all I can to control myself but I could not hold myself together any longer.


“Please stop the car.” My voice broke mid-sentence.


“Why?” he looked at me. He frowned even more when he realized I was crying.


“Just please stop the car. We need to talk”


“Can’t you wait till we reach home?”


“No I can’t. STOP THE CAAAAAR.” I lost it. I needed to talk now or I’ll go mad.


“Fine” he said while pulling over to the side.


Silence took over again. We weren’t looking at each other. I was gazing ahead and he was doing the same. It seemed like we had nothing to talk about.


Minutes passed and we didn’t speak. I was thinking, trying to figure out what’s the right think to say.
.
.
.
.
.
“I’m sorry” we spoke at the same time.


I smiled at him and he smile back.


He started the car again and I went back to watching the streets. Only now, there was a small smile on my lips. I know that we still need to talk and work things out, but at least that unbearable silence was over…

When a man loves a woman...

He stood by the window, watching the sun as it goes down. Sunsets are often romantic but to this man it was as if the sun was going down taking his life with it.


Sunsets always reminded him of her. He remembered how she’d take a picture of the sunset wherever she goes and he smiled in spite of himself.


Too soon the smile was gone and his eyes were screaming with the pain and he sighed the words


“I Miss You”.


He sighed again and closed the curtains.


“Wake up you’re turning to a masochist. Sunsets always break your heart over her all over again, why do you insist on watching it?


Yes, it reminds you of her. But do you really need reminders. You remember her in every breath you take. You could still feel her around you. Wake up you need to let go.”


“But how can I let go, How can I get over the one person that mattered in my life....... Can you get over your soul mate? Your true love?? ”


As his heart and his mind argued , he held her picture in his hands and just lost himself in her smile. A smile that he’d give away his whole life just to have it lighting up his world once again.


He took the picture, walked over to the piano and just sat there.


How long he stayed that way, he doesn’t know. But suddenly it was like someone has just slapped him. He put the picture on the top of the piano facing him, and for the first time in months his fingers touched the keys. He started to play a song. HER SONG.


“I’ll never stop loving you, no matter how long I stay alive no one will ever claim my heart but you”


He said those words as if she was standing right in front of him. And he broke in to tears as he played her song.


He remembered how she used to love to hear him play. How she’d stay for hours just listening to whatever melody he plays for her. He hasn’t touched his piano since she was gone until today. He felt her presence around him and he wanted to play for HER like he always did.


And the song came to an end. He held the picture again.


“I know you didn’t leave me. I could still feel you around me.......I wish I could hold you just one more time and tell you how much I love you and only you.”


He sighed.


“I know you want me to move on and start living again. ..........I want you to know that life holds no interest for me without you but I’ll live. ..........I’ll live only to fulfill your last wish. I’ll live only for you my love.”


He kissed the picture and put it back.


He had promised her in the last minutes of her short life and It was now time for him to live without HER.

A moment of despair...

She closed her bedroom door, turned on the lights and headed for the bed.


“Alone at last” she sighed to herself .


As she gazed at the wall for what seemed like a very long moment, she slowly let the hopeful, optimistic façade fall. In the place of her bright smile was now a frown as she battled with the thoughts inside her head.


The minute she let her guard down, without any permission her eyes gave in and tears started running down her cheek. She just sat there, staring at the wall, allowing her agony to overwhelm her as she sank further in her pain.


Like she always does when she feel helpless, she picks up her diary and starts writing.


“I don’t think I can take it anymore. I feel so helpless. I don’t know for how long I’ll have to deal with this. For how long I’ll have to run and pray for all of it to just go away. If only I had a choice. If only I had another option. But I don’t…”


She was allowing herself to fall apart. She’s been keeping it all inside for so many days, she can’t keep holding herself together anymore. She just had to let it all out and she started sobbing.


“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get over it. But again how can I when it always comes back haunting me. If only I could tell. If only I could share this agony with someone, without worrying about hurting them with my words or about them not being trustworthy. But I can never talk about it. I have absolutely no one to help me with this burden but myself. The only consolation I have is that maybe someday I’ll trust someone enough to let them inside my heart. I just need someone to talk to when I cannot talk to everybody else. Someone I’d trust with my life, my soul and my deeply wounded heart. Well I can only pray for him to come soon. I’m not sure for how long I’ll be able to hold on.”


She started to calm her self down. She started talking herself out of going any further with this breakdown. She turned to the only savior that can truly save her.


“God, I have no one but you to help me. I know you chose this life for me for a reason. Please, help me stay strong.”


She felt a little bit better. She took a long deep breath and managed to stop sobbing. she closed her diary and wiped her tears. She shoved all those thoughts away, put on her lovely smile and headed out of her room.


Her moment of despair was over…