Walking around unfamiliar places...

  I walked around the unfamiliar places, searching through unfamiliar faces trying to process what has just happened. I don't know for how long I've been walking but I can see the sun heading west so I can tell that it's been a while since I left the house. I walked and walked and all I could see around me was unfamiliar places. Places that I don't know and I've never seen before. Everything around me is so different, the streets are different, the people are different, even the air smells different.


   When I look back at the past few days, I can't bring myself to regret my decision to come here. Even though things didn't go according to my plans, even though my decision brought me more misery than comfort, I can't bring myself to regret my decision as I swore to benefit from the experience no matter what happens. 


   I can't tell if it was a good or a bad decision to put myself in such an unfamiliar environment, with no emotional support to back me up. I don't know if it was intuition or merely an impulsive need for the experiment. Yes, this was an experiment. I wanted to push myself beyond my limits. I wanted to force myself out of my comfort zone. I wanted to see what it would be like if this was my life. I did everything I meant to do; I pushed myself, forced myself and tortured myself.

   I'm trying as hard as I can to see the bigger picture, even if it wasn't the picture I had in mind. I did have another picture in mind, maybe it wasn't that much hopeful than this one but I had the benefit of not knowing. Now I know that this is the picture I've got and it may not change for a while or even at all. I'm trying to focus only on the good side of the picture and ignore all the clutter and all the mess. I'm trying my best, I really am.

   There are good sides to the current situation. I did manage to adjust and depend on myself. I was independent already, but living on your own is different. It's one thing to be independent by choice and knowing that you have someone that can help you if you needed help, and it's entirely different to have no one to help you other than yourself. Even though it is a hard experience, I have benefited from it and I'm still benefiting.

   This was a good idea. I followed my intuition when I accepted the invitation to step out of my life and step into another one temporarily. I wanted to try the other side of the coin that represents my life. Was it an unpredictable decision? Yes it defiantly was, but was it a bad one? No I don't think so. It's an adventure, and in every adventure there are always some obstacles and some misfortunes but they never lessen the thrill of the adventure.


I took a deep breath as I reached the end of my self-performed pep talk and told myself:

"Remember this is an adventure."

"You can do this, it's only temporarily."

 "Follow your intuition, trust yourself."

I kept telling myself that as I headed back to the house that was temporarily called "home"

The 21st floor balcony...

She sighed deeply,as she viewed the city from the 21st floor balcony. The place was so peaceful as if reminding her of what she always seeks, “a quiet mind”. Everything just looked so small from up there, even her problems seemed smaller to her. She could see the endless sky; it was quiet and beautiful. She could finally relax and let the gentle wind carry away all her troubles. 


She nestled deeper in her rocking chair and closed her eyes, embracing the peace she always wanted with a tiny smile on her lips. On her way up to the 21st floor, she left behind all her sorrows, all her tears and all her troubles .This place was meant to be peaceful and shouldn’t be tainted with all the mess in her mind.


A gentle breeze ruffled her hair as she opened her eyes again to the beautiful scene before her eyes. She watched the sunset as the sun tainted the blue sky with a delicate orange color. It was a beautiful painting created by God and she got to see and enjoy such beauty form this remarkable place.


She remembered when she was a little girl afraid of heights, yet always wanted to see how little everything looks form up there, even if it scares her. She was a different person back then. She was fun, adventurous and outgoing. Her smile was always there lighting up her face, she was happy and everything around her seemed full with possibilities.


On the 21st floor balcony, she let go of her fears. She became a free spirit. It wasn’t just a beautiful spot to watch the city from the top or enjoy a beautiful view. The 21stfloor balcony was her sanctuary; it’s a place where she can be whoever she wants to be, where she can let go of the dreams she didn’t realize and dream new ones. It’s a place that brings her back to that time where everything was possible. That time when she wanted everything and much more.


She loved the time she spent away fromhe world in her own space. It was her place and her peace. She cherished sitting there in her rocking chair on the 21st floor balcony with her hopes, her dreams and her quiet mind.

Letter to the sea...

Dear sea,


Ever since I was a little girl I heard people saying that they love you so much because they can “talk” to you freely and tell you all their secrets. I didn’t fully get it at that time and as I grew up I still didn’t understand what they meant by talking to you. Now, since I’ll be staying close to you for a while, I thought why don’t I give this a try and “talk” to you maybe I’ll find something I’ve been looking for everywhere else.


So I’ve been staying in Alexandria for about two weeks now and I have to say that this particular timing is special for me. I’ve already lived in this amazing city for the first 10 years of my life, but I have to admit I was never really attached to you. As I started to grow up and evolve spiritually, I am able now to partially understand why people attach you to reaching a pure spiritual state. Even though I visit Alex several times each year, yet this particular time I feel completely different. I feel attached to you in a whole new way.


I’ve always loved being near you in the early morning, the way the air smells is just amazingly refreshing. I find my self wanting and needing to walk by you and smell the fresh air even though I’ve always preferred gardens for a peaceful place to go. I think something is changing inside of me and I don’t know what it is.


I feel so different. I know I always feel different when I’m in Alex but this time I feel completely different than any other time. It’s like I reached a new level in the game that is my life and I’m getting to know my surroundings. I’m feeling several different emotions and it’s making me confused. I don’t even understand how I’m feeling all those things at the same time.


I truly hope that time will help me adjust and sort everything out. I wish that my time in Alex the city, that holds the best memories I have, passes peacefully and I’m looking forward to figuring you out and discover new parts of myself with you. Hopefully you will teach me what people mean when they say they love “talking” to you.

Yours,

N.

Split soul...

Born to be a part of two people.
Living in two opposite worlds.
Asked to be in two places at once.
Expected to fulfill every expectation.
One mind, one soul split in two.
Expected to be two different people.
Trying to please opposite sides.
Lost between two worlds,
Switching back and forth.
Trapped in an impossible situation,
With two impossible choices.
Hoping that someday it will end,
Peacefully.