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It is amazing how a simple gesture can generate this much of rambling thoughts.

You asked me to do something for you.

A very simple and normal request that elicited a storm of emotions inside my heart.

I was first amazed that you asked me.

It made me feel oddly close to you.

Then I was happy as I felt that this is my place.

I’m finally here.

I felt something I’ve never felt before.

I felt something unfamiliar and at the same time very very sweet.

I was happy, for a moment.

In this moment, I felt something I thought I will never feel.
It was nice but painful.

I was reminded of what was taken from me, what is supposed to be mine.

How can something so simple be so complicated?

How can you enjoy and hate something at the same time?

How can you want something and be afraid of it?

How can you feel something and its opposite?

I will never know !

You & Me

I had an image of you drawn in my mind.

I've always wondered about who you are.

I had a million questions with no answers.

I was never able to silence the yearning I had for you.

I always wanted to know you and let you know me.

I was scared that this day may never come.

I'm still scared.

I say that I gave up on the idea.

I say that I don't really care about it anymore.

They believed it, I believed it.

But the yearning in my heart hits me every time I'm close to you.

I didn't give up, I still care.

And that hurts.

I pushed myself to try again,

I forced myself, ignoring all the aching in my heart.

I tried one more time to get close to you.

I tried not to get my hopes high.

I promised myself I wouldn't expect too much.

But I did hope for a change, a change that I know is impossible.

And that hurts.

I'm here but you can't see me.

You only see what you want to see.

I've tried to tell you, to explain how I felt.

You pretended to listen, you promised me a change.

But I know now that my words didn't affect you.

I know that I'll never get what I need from you.

You will never be mine the way you're supposed to.

You pretend that you're here,

I pretend that you're here.

But deep in my heart I know you will never really be here.

You were gone long ago, and you didn't look back.

And that hurts.

I see my place claimed by another,

I see what should've been mine.

And I try to pretend that it's okay.

It's not okay.

It will never be okay.

I knew I wouldn't like the answers,

But I wanted them anyway.

Not knowing was a nightmare,

and knowing is hell.

I'm tired of you and me.

I can't escape you.

I can't ignore you.

I still belong to you.

And I'm still waiting for you.

I ignore everything that will destroy your image.

It torments me but I have to do it.

I have to still hope for a change,

Even if I know that it might never come.

Rainbows and butterflies...

In Life,
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies,
Sometimes it’s a fire that never dies.
Everything changes in life every now and then.
We reach the end of the road, and have to start again.
Looking for our own happiness in life.
We try our best to survive.
We have to do everything we could,
Because it’s our life, whether it’s bad or good.
Without hope there’s no way to succeed,
Sometimes we follow, sometimes we lead.
We are merely actors and life is our play.
We all have our roles, we play them every day.
If you’re smart, you’ll play your part well.
And in sadness you’ll never dwell.
You’ll try to live life to the fullest,
Be creative, loving and modest.
You’ll always wait for tomorrow, the new day.
You’ll always live your life in every way,
Because it’s not always a fire that never dies,
Sometimes it’s rainbows and butterflies.

Letter to the sea...

Dear sea,


It’s been a while since I’ve talked about what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. I’ve been avoiding the matter at all costs. Not out of fear but out of the mere desire of feeling peaceful; even if it’s just an allusion. Call me an idiot but I’d like to spend some peaceful time, I’ll have all the troubles waiting for me when I get back.


I discovered something during my time avoiding any annoying situations. It’s been in front of me for along time but maybe I wasn’t paying much attention, or maybe I was just too involved to see beyond what’s obvious. “Everything fades away” okay maybe not everything but most things fade away. Pain fades away into just a small stinging memory in the back of your mind, How it feels to be overwhelmed fades away to just being numb, Joy fades away into a happy memory of the happy long lost times. Everything fades away BUT I’ve also discovered that I get to decide to what it shall fade away.


I could choose for the pain to fade away till I can’t feel it anymore and I can choose to keep it throbbing. I can choose to deal with being overwhelmed and eventually become strong enough to bear it or I can settle for being numb. I can choose to hold on to MY joy or I can let it slip away. Life will fade away only if I let it.


I’ve had a lot of feelings bottled up lately. Some were good ones and some weren’t that good. Eventually they faded away. I have to admit that I let some of them fade away intentionally. I’ve also discovered that I’m tired of having to be strong all the time. I wanted my time to not be so strong. I don’t want to be weak; I just don’t want to be pushed into being strong. I want a break.


I certainly stepped away from my comfort zone and I certainly hated it at first. Then I started adjusting and eventually I liked parts of it. I still want my life the way it is, and I still want to get back to the world I’m used to. However, this experience was rewarding in several ways that I must overlook all the downsides.


I still have to stay away form home for two more weeks but I feel ready to go back to my world. I still have some feelings that I need to let fade away, but I also have some that I’d like to hold on too. I don’t want life to fade away unless I choose that it does. It’s my time to call the shots now. I won’t be pushed and I won’t be settling for anything less than what I want. I’ve seen and learned what makes me inclined to take control of my life. It’s about time!


Yours,

Moving on...

“Moving on”, personally I was one of the biggest fans of moving on. I‘ve always promoted a positive attitude and the idea of letting go of the past. In my personal life moving on was never easy but I tried to do it as much as I could. I try to think that I have moved on, I act as if I have moved on. Even though in reality some facts cannot be overlooked and some moments can never be erased or forgotten.
So, basically I loved the idea of moving on, I believed in the idea of moving on and I certainly was happy trying to move on, but then something changed.

“What is worse than grief is its disappearance” *

When I first read this, I totally understood what it meant. It went right through all my pretenses and settled in the deepest place in my mind. I knew exactly what it meant. I’ve felt it, I’ve tried to ignore it but also I’ve acknowledged it. There can be something that is worse than grief and sadness, its called numbness. Moving on is the healthiest thing anyone could do, I totally agree but everything comes at a price.


Usually, when you try to move on that means that something painful happened. It’s probably associated with someone important in your life too. Everything around you is encouraging you to move on and put yourself out of your own misery. You spend the following days focusing all your energy on moving on. You try to kill every thought and every memory that hurts you. You fall into the pretense that everything is okay and that you are okay. Until one day it’s not a pretense anymore, you have really moved on.


You now mean it when you say that you are fine. The things that you used to avoid now mean nothing to you. That painful memory is now gone and it took some pieces of you with it. Forgetting is indeed a blessing. It does relief you from the pain of remembering hurtful memories but when forgetting changes into merely being numb, moving on is not so promising anymore.


Sometimes moving on doesn’t mean only getting over some sad memory, it might mean letting go of some part of you that you used to love, it might mean letting go of someone that used to mean something important to you. It means much more than just pushing away hurtful memories.


So next time you think it’s time to move on, take a moment to think of the pieces of yourself that you will lose. Pay attention so you don’t fall into the numbness of trying to move on. Try to move on without losing the things you loved about yourself. Once you’ve moved on, you can never go back.

"ليس ابشع شيئ الحزن و لكن اختفاء الحزن" *

قصة "انا الملك جئت" بهاء طاهر

Inspired by a post in the following blog:
http://hadouta.blogspot.com/