Nothingness

I opened my eyes slowly, expecting to see the soft morning light slipping through the tiny opening in the curtain. I, instead, was faced with absolute darkness. I was a little disoriented, for a moment I thought I haven't opened my eyes yet or maybe it was still night time. I opened and closed my eyes a couple of times, as if doubting them. But no, I was really enveloped in total darkness.

I fumbled around reaching for my cell phone to see what time it is.. Where did that thing go? I always put it on the bedside table... instead I reached for the bedside lamp to find some light... Where did that go too? Where did the bedside table go?!! I reached to remove the covers to get out of bed.. only to find that there were no covers.. and no bed either. I reached around me, trying to find something to touch.. anything.. and found... nothing!

Where am I? what is this place? what happened?  

I noticed now that I wasn't walking. It was like floating, my feet didn't touch a firm ground. I moved my hands hysterically, trying to find anything around me.. anything.. only to be confronted with only one thing.. absolute, dark nothingness.. (To be continued...)

The Mask

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. ~Oscar Wilde

Masks are everywhere around us. We wear masks all the time, and we probably only take them off when in the presence of no one other than ourselves. We conceal the truth behind a mask, afraid of showing our true colors. Masks give us the freedom of being hidden, of thinking anything we like but still appear to be fit within the standard of what is socially accepted. We think that our true self won't be accepted. So, we hide behind a mask to seek social acceptance, to fit in. We convince ourselves that it is better that way, easier. We wear a mask to say what people want to hear, to be what people want us to be, regardless of our true faith and beliefs. Wearing them spare us the trouble of being who we really are and accepting what comes with it. Masks are just easier. 

We further convince ourselves with the beauty of wearing a mask. We believe that somehow it is easier to express any idea when we are hidden and concealed. we can be anything and say anything because we know that it is not who we really are. It is just a mask.

It is ironic that we think we are more free when concealing who we are, when it should be the other way around. However, life teaches us that you can only say the truth when you’re hidden behind any sort of masks, that way you cannot be harmed. As long as what everyone sees is accepted you’re good to go. And you’re always free to think and be whoever you want when you’re alone. We fail to realize that eventually the mask possesses us.

You find yourself doing things that you don’t believe in because your mask obliges you to be a certain person. You go out of your own way to put up with an image that it is not even you. You are always wearing a mask no matter where you are or who you’re with. You hide yourself afraid of what other people would say if they see the real you. Eventually, your lies become the truth and the real truth fades away. 

I do believe in what Oscar Wilde said. Man will never say the truth when he is exposed. Out of fear of rejection, man convinces himself with the easy way out; Just put a mask and be ready to face life. Only those who are brave show their true colors, without fearing others judgement or the consequences of being true to themselves before others. Only those who are brave, walk around life wearing no masks at all. 

The list

1. I have a fascination with the idea of the “soul.”
2. A melody can bring tears to my eyes.
3. Words can shake my core.
4. I’m sentimental about almost everything.
5. I get too attached to people, things, places and words.
6. I get so engrossed in things, I sometimes forget reality.
7. I have a fascination with “stories” and “people.”
8. I, also, have a fascination with people’s thoughts.
9. I think a lot about different things without any logical sequence to my thoughts.
10. I never forget if I got hurt.
11. I can help other people to the point where I forget my own needs.
12. I’m deeply in love with the smell and taste of coffee.
13. I wash my hands a lot.
14. I love perfume and I like to be surrounded with nice smells. I spray perfume on EVERYTHING.
15. I LOVE books, and I love it when the paper is slightly yellowish.
16. I, also, love the smell of books, but once I sprayed perfume on a book!
17. I don’t have one single favorite color. It changes constantly.
18. I often daydream and imagine scenarios of events in my mind.
19. It is very hard for me to end a certain phase and start a new one.
20. I might not notice a person’s appearance but I always notice voices.
21. Certain tones of voices appeal to me.
22. In a lot of matters, I am one thing and it’s opposite.
23. I want to love with my soul, not my mind and heart alone.
24. I love shoes so much!
25. I don’t like too many details. I love things simple.
26. Sometimes, I wish I could be completely and utterly ALONE.
27. Yet, I fear loneliness.
28. I believe no one really knows me completely.
29. I consider my emotions to be a prominent part of who I am.
30. Yet, sometimes I wish I could just turn them off.
31. I've changed a lot; when I look back I have no idea who that person was.
32. I believe that I have a wound in my heart that will never heal.
33. If I’m sentimentally attached to an object, I don’t throw it away even if it’s broken.
34. I have a fascination with the idea of being remembered.
35. I have a deep, urging desire to touch someone’s heart, to have an effect on someone’s life.
36. I’m addicted to feelings.
37. I like to think I’m special, but I don’t really know if I really am.
38. I like to believe in fate, romantic fairy tales and that one moment that changes your life.
39. I love old things and songs.
40. My mood shows on my face.
41. I remember odd things at even more odd times.
42.  As much as I love new experiences, I’m usually terrified when taking a new step.
43. I see meaning in the simplest of things.
44. I like to think that meanings and ideas exists in everything.
45. I miss things and moments terribly.
46. I remember moments with the same emotional intensity as if I was reliving them.
47. I’m obsessed with the idea of “a beautiful soul.”
48. Sometimes, I really feel that my soul is gloomy.
49. I like calm and simple more than loud and crowded.
50. Sometimes I feel selfish for seeking my own comfort.

What do you see?

What do you see when you're looking at me?
Do you see a smile?
Do you see a tear?
Is my heart brave or blocked with fear?
Do you see a little girl with the carefree glance,
Or a young woman who's afraid to dance?


They say the eyes mirror the soul.
Be careful of what you see.
Sometimes the reflection is not me.
Sometimes they reveal the truth sometimes it's all lies.
Do you see your own reflection in me,
or is it the truth that you really see?


What do you really see when you're looking at me?

Something old.. something new

"Usually when I feel sad or depressed, I either prefer to sit alone doing something I love or hang around the people I love. Since the later is not an option right now, I decided to go out alone. So here I am sitting alone in a café with the company of a book and a mocha.

This is the first time ever I go out alone. I’ve always seen people sitting alone in cafés and always wondered why they are alone. The idea of going out has been always associated with people. I always spend my alone time at home because going out means not being alone. But here I am alone in a café away from home writing this down. The strange thing is that I feel peaceful and more at place here than I felt an hour ago when I was surrounded with people.

I’ve never felt more out of place and I’ve never missed my home and my friends as much as I do right now. Being with people you’re not comfortable with is not easy. So today I was too annoyed to stay inside and I decided to go out even if I’m ALONE. I feel very comfortable and peaceful to my own amazement and I’m actually enjoying myself. "

I wrote this almost a year ago and I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I remember how awful I felt and how I decided to defy myself and everyone and just go out alone. I needed to clear my head so bad. I wanted to step out of that crazy world and step into a calm parallel universe. I felt awkward sitting alone at that café I have to admit. It was something totally new to me because going out for fun was never something that I did alone. To go further with the experiment I ordered something new too, instead of my usual latte I ordered a mocha and I liked that too.

I've always liked experimenting and trying new things but I have to say that sometimes taking a new step takes a little more courage than usual. It’s never easy to force yourself out of your own comfortable zone and step into the unknown. It’s not easy but it’s rewarding because you get to explore new ideas and find new things about yourself. Instead of staying wrapped up in your comfortable zone feeling isolated, go out there and do something out of character and maybe you’ll find something new to like. That day, when I was sad, alone and away from the comfort of the familiar I enjoyed being out alone and that was very NEW :)

Take a trip out of your comfort zone every now and then, you’ll enjoy it :)

An ending... A beginning :)

1\8\2011

Earlier today I was watching the finale of the Oprah show. It made me feel very sad and I even cried a little bit. The feeling of an end, a closure was in the air. Something about Oprah’s facial expressions as she talked about her 25 year journey touched my heart. I always feel a little sad when something I got attached to ends. It was the deep emotion of closing an important chapter in your life that touched my heart, not the ending of the show. Little did I know that in the same day I’d experience the same feeling. A few hours later I received a phone call from a friend telling me that our final test results were out and that we all passed and officially graduated college. I was ecstatic of course, even though I’ve known for several days and I knew that my college life has come to an end, now it’s official. I am no longer a student. The final chapter of my life as an adolescent is done and now I’m an adult.

As the feeling settled in after a couple of hours I felt happy, excited and a little sad. I don’t like endings and I don’t like beginnings either, it’s the middle that I always love. I can confidently say that I had a full, enjoyable, educating and satisfying college experience. I’m happy that I can say that I enjoyed my college experience even with its depressing, frustrating moments. I thank God for leading me to experience everything in college especially the hang outs and the student activities.

Today it became official and final. Even though I was striving for it to end, it’s a little sad that it really did end. I’m going to miss everything, not the studying part of course because I’d be lying if I said I’d miss that lol. I’m content and satisfied El Hamdu-l-Allah.

Another chapter of my life has ended, now it’s time to write a new one ;)

Like a frozen clock !

S

he walked by the river at sunset like every day, and like every day she tied a scarf around her neck and bought her favorite coffee… Like every day she listened to her favorite band and brought a book with her… Today WAS like any other day… SHE was the same like in any other day.

She walked by her favorite spot… stood still and watched the sun go down. Sunsets were her favorite… Like she always does she started thinking about her life… Every day she thinks about those who hurt her and those who made her happy. Every single day she goes through the same thoughts…

Today started out like any other day… yes… but somehow along the way it became different… something inside her was different… maybe her wound finally healed… maybe she managed to stop the pain…

As she thought about her life, she realized that everyone else has moved on except for her… It was as if she were a frozen clock… standing still in one point of time… stuck! And as she realized that… the clock started ticking again… counting the minutes… She knew that today wasn’t like every day… it was the last day… The last day of being frozen!

Chasing liberty...

S

he always knew she was different. She never understood why sometimes people criticized her actions. She had her own way of perceiving the world. She knew of all the deceit and betrayal out there in the world but she never let fear control her actions. She always trusts her intuition even though sometimes it fails her and she gets hurt.

They always tell her not to be so open, convincing her that it makes her too vulnerable and she would regret it in the end. Her mother tells her in a motherly advice to guard her actions and keep in mind what will other people think. This statement always bothers her, why should she live according to what other people expect? It seems so stupid to her to do things according to other people’s perceptions.

She’s neither stupid nor silly. She knows perfectly well the dangers of the wicked world she lives in. she knows that there will always be people who will betray and hurt her. She knows that she will make mistakes sometimes and fall apart. She knows all that but she simply can’t be someone else. She tried to be cold and guarded; she tried not to be open and friendly with people who are new to her. She tried to conceal her feelings and her true nature; she tried to behave the way people expected from her. She wasn’t happy; She lost herself and ended up pleasing everyone but herself.

People tell her that she’s nice to the point of idiocy sometimes. As if being nice is some flaw. She’d rather pay the price of that flaw than be anything other than herself. She knows that her personality is both her blessing and her curse. She knows that she will suffer but she also knows that it will bring her joy. No matter what anyone thinks of her, some may perceive her as a silly, naive or weak person. Some people may criticize her intuitive nature and her spontaneity. Some may blame her for not thinking about how her actions may be perceived by other people. In the end she will always be herself, she’d given up so much already and she’s not willing to give up that. If people don’t accept her the way she is, then they don’t deserve her presence.

Out of sight.. out of mind..

I don't feel the joy I pretended to feel anymore.. you being there does not mean to me what I though it would mean.. You are not you anymore and I am not me either.. Your presence does not mean anything more than a part of a pretty picture that I drew in my mind.. You have become a mere decoration in my life.. I thought you meant a lot to me.. No.. you did mean a lot to me.. But suddenly you do not mean that much to me anymore.. And it is not easy.. And it hurts.. That you are not the same person I wanted you to be.. You've changed into a picture in my imagination.. One that I do not really like to visit..



1/4/2011

I love Cairo at night.. One of my favorite things in life is driving around the city when there is very little traffic.. I love how it makes me feel.. It brings me joy :).. Today I've laughed until my face hurt, I went to a new place and I watched the Nile.. Today was simply awesome.. I want to do it all over again :D

8/3/2011

In life, there is always an "IT".. There is always before "IT" happened and after "IT" happened.. "IT" always affects us.. "IT" can be a bad thing and "IT" can be an amazing thing.. What I'm saying is, there is always an "IT" in our lives.. And every time "IT" changes life as we know it!

6/3/2011

I’m hoping for a dream.. I’m hoping for magic.. I’m hoping for love.. I’m hoping for peace.. I’m hoping for change.. I’m hoping for adventure..I’m hoping for success.. I’m hoping for joy.. I’m hoping for me.. I’m hoping for you.. I’m hoping for everything and even more.. I’m hoping and I know that not all my hopes are possible.. But the point is… I’m hoping !

4/3/2011

I’ve been having all kinds of feelings today.. Some happiness mixed with a little fear and a lot of pain.. Weird combination I know.. I’m so very confused ! Every time I think my wound is healed I find that it’s still there hurting as if it was still fresh.. And it is always fresh somehow.. I’m tired.. I was momentarily joyful and it felt very warm.. But it was only for a moment..

The "I don't care bubble".

He said: You have issues with life!

I said: What issues?!

He said: You over analyze everything, you think too much and you care about everything too much.. You need to chill and be carefree.. Nothing matters.

Now I really don’t remember the whole conversation because it’s been a couple of years now, but it stuck with me “You have issues with life”.. Well I do have issues with life, so it didn’t bother me to have a colleague telling me that. I do over analyze and I do care too much for almost everything. However, the attitude really bother me.. I’m perfectly aware of the issues I have with life. I’ve been hurt, I’m still broken and I still keep getting disappointed by people that I care about. Of course I have issues and it doesn’t scare me.. not at all.

My friend here thinks that life is being carefree all the time, never letting anything or anyone bother you.. Never to care enough about anything or anyone to be bothered actually. I admit that his attitude bothered me every time I talked to him..

I have issues and so does everybody else. I have moment where it’s just very difficult to breath and carry on. There are moments when I just want to give up and jump into a numb state. But here I am; I smile, I care and I’m hopeful… most of the time.  I have faults and I tend to be a little bit too dramatic but hey don’t forget  “ I have issues”. The truth is issues is a very big part of life.

I refuse to live inside a bubble, where I don’t care about anything or anyone and nobody care about me either.. I refuse to be cold and numb fooling myself into thinking that life is just having fun without a care in the world.. I refuse to isolate myself and never let anyone get close enough to me so I don’t get hurt.

Would living inside the “I don’t care” bubble be safe, fun and easy?.. hell yes.. but again would it be really living ?.. I don’t think so.. I gladly refuse to step into the bubble and have everyone wondering how I’m just always cheerful and seem to be having no troubles. I refuse the kind of life that my friend chose and brags about.

I state, just as proudly, that I have issues with life and I struggle with them everyday.. Sometime I win, sometimes I don’t. It’s a part of who I am.. I choose to fight and struggle over losing the ability to feel..

I have issues.. I’m proud.. It means “I’m alive” and I’m experiencing life with everything it has to offer..

Don’t fall for the illusion of the beautiful carefree and easy going “bubble”. It’s a false feeling of security and comfort; you’d find out that you missed out on life when you realize that being inside a bubble is the same as not living at all.

January 25 >> February 11: The birth of a new Egypt

 

11-2-2011

     A day no one will ever forget. I woke up just like any other say since the Egyptian uprising started in January 25. I was still feeling annoyed, well annoyed is really an understatement I felt that someone has knocked the breath out of me, anyway I was still annoyed because of the two very unsatisfying speeches that both our former president and vice president delivered. I fell into the routine of eating and flipping through the news channels waiting for something to happen. I watched as millions gathered in El-Tahrir square and everywhere in Egypt. The day went by just like every other day, until they announced that there will be a statement from the presidency… To be honest, I wasn’t feeling very optimistic about it. Sometime later, I was in the kitchen and suddenly my mom yells “He stepped down”. I dashed through the room, my eyes searching for the TV. As they re-announced that the president has stepped down.

     If we rewind, from the beginning of this truly amazing uprising, you’d find that the Egyptian youth started this and they went on with their plans even when most of the people didn’t believe that they can change the regime. They stayed and defended their point of view until more and more people joined them, then it was transformed from a youth uprising into a peoples uprising. They made everyone believe that this change COULD happen, when most of Egyptians were stuck with depression and negativity. They helped change how the whole country thinks. They stood up against the corruption. They faced all the brutal attacks for the sake of change and for the sake of EGYPT.

     Some people were against this uprising. Some of them might have some concerns that are right, but this uprising changed history and the future WILL be more beautiful Insha’Allah. I support this uprising. I’ve watched the news for 17 days, anticipating every move and desperately wanting to join the protests. Unfortunately I didn’t get that chance to join, but I was there with my heart and my mind. I prayed to God to save those brave, courageous and powerful Protestants. I and everyone else owe our future to these people. They should be respected and they should be thanked.

     The downside of this uprising is the death of some of those Protestants. My heart goes out to all the families that lost a loved one, but they are not lost they will be awarded in paradise. These people didn’t die in vain; these people died for a cause, for EGYPT. They’re all in our hearts..

     Change in everything was a result of this uprising. It wasn’t only the fall of the regime; it was the fall of many negative, false and unhealthy ideas. Now, Egyptians believe in themselves a lot more than they did before January 25. They understand their rights, they know they can change what they don’t want and they are more politically aware than ever. The Egyptian people changed inside and out. I believe that this uprising touched every single Egyptian and changed his or her way of thinking.

     Personally speaking, I was never interested in politics but now I can’t seem to get enough of it. I became highly aware of everything around me and I found out that I really love this country. I’m sure that the majority felt the same way; it awakened everything that was suppressed for many years. People realized that they have the power to change their world but they just never used it.

     This day, February 11 is the birth of new Egypt. Thousands went to the streets to celebrate the fall of the regime. I couldn’t join the protests but I certainly joined the celebrations. Egypt was singing and dancing; people everywhere were waving the flag and cheering. I was walking down one of the very famous streets in Cairo and everywhere I looked people were smiling and cheering. Adults, teenagers and kids everyone was in the streets celebrating. Whenever my eyes meet a stranger they’d smile to me. I felt that I was surrounded by my family. The atmosphere was overwhelming. It was defiantly a night to remember. Egypt was celebrating its new birth in the usual Egyptian warm, funny, active and festive spirit.

     I’m proud of this uprising. I’m proud that I witnessed this uprising and I’m very optimistic about the future. I know it’s not going to be easy; I know that a lot needs to be done and that we all need to work together. I realized how much this country matters to me. Before this uprising I loved this country because I had to, now I love it because I really feel that I’m part of it and because I felt how much it hurts to feel that it could be harmed. This uprising was very enlightening in so many ways.

     Egypt, we’re so very sorry that we kept you waiting for so long. We will never allow anyone to use you for their own benefits again. We will make the future beautiful because we know we can and we love you that much.

     To those people who made this day possible. I thank you, all Egyptians thank you. We owe our future to you. I wish I had the chance to join you and I’m sure that many others like myself had the same wish but since I couldn’t I will do my best to revive this country. Now it’s every Egyptian obligation to do everything he or she can to improve our beloved country EGYPT.

Long live EGYPT.

I’m Egyptian and very very PROUD.

The birth of a new blog..

My dear readers,

I announce the birth of my new blog, in which I write in my mother language "Arabic". I've been wanting to take this step for months and I finally did it. I hope those of you who can read Arabic enjoy that blog as much as they enjoy this one. English is still my passion and I'm happy to explore new horizons so wish me luck :)

http://ta7t-elyasmena.blogspot.com/