A personal statement 2010>>>2011

I’m writing this in the few remaining hours of 2010. I don’t have a plan for this post. I don’t know what I will write. Nevertheless, I’m writing it. Why? Because I want to write one last post before this year ends. It’s an emotional thing so bear with me.

When I try to evaluate this year, I can’t really decide whether it was a happy year or a not so happy year. The first three quarters were fun, incredibly fun actually. I have a lot of happy memories and a lot of awesome friends. The last quarter, however, was not happy. There were a lot of happy moments during the last three months, I can’t deny that but deep down I wasn’t really happy.

I’ve been blessed with so many beautiful people in my life. They make me happy and even though some of them walked away, their effect on my life still lingers. One thing I’ve learned this year is that you can’t know for how long people will stay in your life. Some will stay for a while and some will stay forever. It could be a few days, a few weeks or a few years but the truth is you are going to have limited time with some people. I’ve also learned that it’s very important to always part on good terms. It’s not a very nice feeling to remember someone you used to love in a bad way.

When it’s time to leave, always leave behind you a good memory.

Another thing I learned this year is that I can’t change who I am. I can’t live any other way. I discovered that sometimes it will bring me trouble; sometimes I will be criticized for it but it makes me miserable to try to be somebody else.

My final statement in 2010:

I will always be me. I have no desire to hide any part of my inner self to please anyone. I will love passionately and with all my heart even if it hurts sometimes. I will try my best to keep all the beautiful parts of my soul. I will always see the good in people even if they disappoint me sometimes. I’ll learn from my mistakes and I will never repeat them. I insist on staying the way I am whatever it takes.

My hopes and desires for 2011:

I hope to find peace of mind.

I hope to still have those who love me in my life.

I want to spread love and compassion all around me.

I want to go beyond my dreams.

I want to have an adventure.

I want love, passion and peace.

2010, you were not my best year but you were not my worst. I’m sad that you had to end this way but I'll hold on to the sweet memories.

2011, I hope to find reconciliation in your days and I hope to keep smiling.

Happy new year my dear friends and awesome readers :)


A song for you....

Be free...

When who you really are is not suitable for living nowadays.

When the real you brings you only trouble.

When you find blame if you act spontaneously.

When following your intuition is criticized.

When simply acting the way you like becomes a rare thing.

What should you do?

Insist on being you or try to suppress your intuitive self?

Accept the criticism and the blame

Or

Hide the best parts of you in order to avoid trouble.

I am an intuitive person.

I like to say how I feel and do what I like.

I don’t like to hide anything.

I like being free to say and do what I want.

I enjoy being an open book.

I hate secrets, they trouble me.

I don’t like to hide things, afraid of envious people.

I don’t like to hide things, afraid to be judged.

I like to be free.

I like to be able to say what I want to say, when I feel like saying it.

I don’t care if it brings me trouble.

Living any other way is just more troublesome.

I am who I am.

Whether it’s wrong or right.

Whether it’s suitable or not.

I will always be me.

Just the way I like it.

Journey of life...

On the journey of my life,

I’ve been to so many places so far.

I’ve met people and lost people.

I’ve loved and I’ve been loved.

I’ve been going up and down all the way,

But I’m still standing and I will never fall.

I simply won’t allow it.

I’m a human being with the power to feel

And whatever I’m feeling, I know I have the power to heal.

No matter how hard I fall, I will always rise.

I’ll always do my best to do what’s right.

I’ll give it my best shot to win this fight.

I may feel sad and cry. But I’ll never be broken.

No matter how weak I may look or sad I may feel.

I’ll always fly away and break free.

I’ll always see the stars lighting up the sky.

I’ll always feel a love that never dies.

A love for the journey that never ends.

A love for life.

A life for love.

One year anniversary...

Exactly one year ago I was introduced to the world of  blogging; and ever since blogging became a part of my life, a part I really love. Growing up writing was not among my interests. I loved to read, to draw, to dance but I never thought about writing. So the big question is why do I write??

I was never good with expressing how I feel, and being a very emotional person obviously I had a lot to say. One day I read an article about the power of writing and how it can help you express yourself in a healthy way. I decided to give it a shot without any intention to show what I wrote to anyone. Writing became my therapy, my get away and my salvation. Writing healed my wounds and gave me a new way to express myself.

A year went by and I wrote and wrote without even thinking about posting my writings even on my facebook account, until one day I saw a note written by a friend and it encouraged me to post what I wrote. I started with little notes and sending my poems to my friends. The more feedback I got the more I wanted to write and post my writings. I started posting my writings on groups and all the feedback and support encouraged me to take another step forward.

It began as a way of letting my feelings out and it became a huge part of me. A part I didn’t know existed. A part I never knew I’d love so much. I became addicted to blogging. I was someone who didn’t know how to put her feelings into words and I became someone eager to write about how I feel. I fell in love with writing.

 Today my blog is exactly one year old. I owe a big thank you to my awesome friends who read whatever I sent them and gave me encouraging feedback.

To Nariman Tarek Ashour, You are amazing :D. You were one of the people who inspired me to write. Thank you for your support and for the encouragement.


To Mariam Serag, you always give me the most encouraging feedback ever :D and you helped me choose a name for this blog :D you were a very good supporter. I love you.

 To Bothayna Hossam, Sarah Ammar, Yara Adel and Hoda Medhat you girls were the first people to read my writings and your words of encouragement kept me going :D  

To all my other friends who read what I asked them to read even though they don’t really like reading, thank you for the support guys.

A special thank you to the one who introduced me to blogging and kept telling me to create a blog until I finally did. To my very supportive writing buddy Muhammad Hazem Sherif, thank you for encouraging me to create this blog and to keep writing :D

And a huge thank you to everyone who ever read anything I wrote and made an effort to write me an encouraging comment. To the strangers who kept reading and kept leaving encouraging comments. Your support is what encourages me to keep writing.

Thank you.

A new step...

Today, I opened the closed door and took a new step.

I took a new step so I can open up my heart again.

So I can take a long deep breath,

And feel the fresh air filling my lungs.

I took a new step towards a dream,

A dream of freedom and peacefulness.

A dream of someone I want to be.

I took a new step to be able to believe in dreams again.

I took a new step to erase the old ones.

To let go of the old paths and old dreams.

I took a new step towards courage and adventure.
To have the strength to walk new paths and dream new dreams.

I opened the closed door and took a new step.

A new step away from the past and towards the future.

A new step towards change.

A new step towards life.

The dark Corridors...

Every now and then we take a walk in the long twisted corridors of our minds.

Behind the closed doors that represent the days we’ve lived,

We find the dusty shelves that hold our memories.

Some memories are kept on pretty clean shelves.

Cherished and cared for.

Remembered and Loved!

Some memories are left out with dust piling up on them.

Uncared for and abandoned.

Unloved and disregarded!

We love to go back to our favorite memories,

Relive them over and over in our minds.

We try to avoid unwanted reminders of unwanted moments.

Try to overlook them, pretend that they are not there

And at the back of the long and twisted corridor,

There’s a door standing alone.

The One door we don’t dare open.

The one door that conceals our deepest secrets,

Our worst fears and our scariest memories.

The door that leads to our darkest side.

We don’t like to open that door.

We pretend it’s not there.

We pray that it doesn’t burst open.

We turn back leaving the corridors,

Leaving the good, the bad and the ugly memories.

We know we’ll be back soon for another walk.

We take one last look at what makes us who we are,

And head back to the present.

I need...

Two urges  keep popping out in my mind every time I wonder aimlessly in the corridors of my mind. I have the urge to write and write and write; I don’t know why I’m not writing everything I want to write. This urge comes with a strange need to write in Arabic, something I never thought about, why ?? no reason. For so long I thought in English. Every time I sat down to write anything down even something as simple as a shopping list I’d write it in English, why ?? I have no idea. Well I do actually have some idea; English has always been something dear to my heart. It will always be that way that’s why I chose English as my major in college. I'm simply IN LOVE with English :D 

I don’t understand why I want to start writing in Arabic, or why I can’t bring myself to do it. I’ve thought about it several times. Something is missing and I need to find it.

I think I’m scared to try!

That brings me to the second urge that keeps coming back. I feel an inexplicable need to feel deep. I need to have a meaning to my thoughts. I need to start thinking and observing again. I don’t know when did I stop observing what goes around me. I think I stopped observing what’s going on inside me too. I’ve put my mind into sleep mode.

It’s time to wake up!

It’s time to take some new steps.


I need inspiration.


I need freedom of thought. 


I need to breath again.

Falling...

I’m falling into the darkness,

Knowing that no one will catch me.

I trip and I fall.

I try to forget it all,

And move one into the darkness.

Maybe if I keep moving I’ll find the light again.

Maybe somewhere at the end of the road,

The sun is shining and waiting.

Maybe someone will catch me before I hit the ground,

Or maybe not.

All I know is that I’m falling and I don’t really care.

I’m falling and I’m not even scared.

Cause I’m falling alone.

No matter how hard I fell,

Or how bad it hurt.

I’ll be stronger,

Braver,

And ready to fall all over again.

Untitled...

It is amazing how a simple gesture can generate this much of rambling thoughts.

You asked me to do something for you.

A very simple and normal request that elicited a storm of emotions inside my heart.

I was first amazed that you asked me.

It made me feel oddly close to you.

Then I was happy as I felt that this is my place.

I’m finally here.

I felt something I’ve never felt before.

I felt something unfamiliar and at the same time very very sweet.

I was happy, for a moment.

In this moment, I felt something I thought I will never feel.
It was nice but painful.

I was reminded of what was taken from me, what is supposed to be mine.

How can something so simple be so complicated?

How can you enjoy and hate something at the same time?

How can you want something and be afraid of it?

How can you feel something and its opposite?

I will never know !

You & Me

I had an image of you drawn in my mind.

I've always wondered about who you are.

I had a million questions with no answers.

I was never able to silence the yearning I had for you.

I always wanted to know you and let you know me.

I was scared that this day may never come.

I'm still scared.

I say that I gave up on the idea.

I say that I don't really care about it anymore.

They believed it, I believed it.

But the yearning in my heart hits me every time I'm close to you.

I didn't give up, I still care.

And that hurts.

I pushed myself to try again,

I forced myself, ignoring all the aching in my heart.

I tried one more time to get close to you.

I tried not to get my hopes high.

I promised myself I wouldn't expect too much.

But I did hope for a change, a change that I know is impossible.

And that hurts.

I'm here but you can't see me.

You only see what you want to see.

I've tried to tell you, to explain how I felt.

You pretended to listen, you promised me a change.

But I know now that my words didn't affect you.

I know that I'll never get what I need from you.

You will never be mine the way you're supposed to.

You pretend that you're here,

I pretend that you're here.

But deep in my heart I know you will never really be here.

You were gone long ago, and you didn't look back.

And that hurts.

I see my place claimed by another,

I see what should've been mine.

And I try to pretend that it's okay.

It's not okay.

It will never be okay.

I knew I wouldn't like the answers,

But I wanted them anyway.

Not knowing was a nightmare,

and knowing is hell.

I'm tired of you and me.

I can't escape you.

I can't ignore you.

I still belong to you.

And I'm still waiting for you.

I ignore everything that will destroy your image.

It torments me but I have to do it.

I have to still hope for a change,

Even if I know that it might never come.

Rainbows and butterflies...

In Life,
It’s not always rainbows and butterflies,
Sometimes it’s a fire that never dies.
Everything changes in life every now and then.
We reach the end of the road, and have to start again.
Looking for our own happiness in life.
We try our best to survive.
We have to do everything we could,
Because it’s our life, whether it’s bad or good.
Without hope there’s no way to succeed,
Sometimes we follow, sometimes we lead.
We are merely actors and life is our play.
We all have our roles, we play them every day.
If you’re smart, you’ll play your part well.
And in sadness you’ll never dwell.
You’ll try to live life to the fullest,
Be creative, loving and modest.
You’ll always wait for tomorrow, the new day.
You’ll always live your life in every way,
Because it’s not always a fire that never dies,
Sometimes it’s rainbows and butterflies.

Letter to the sea...

Dear sea,


It’s been a while since I’ve talked about what I’m thinking or how I’m feeling. I’ve been avoiding the matter at all costs. Not out of fear but out of the mere desire of feeling peaceful; even if it’s just an allusion. Call me an idiot but I’d like to spend some peaceful time, I’ll have all the troubles waiting for me when I get back.


I discovered something during my time avoiding any annoying situations. It’s been in front of me for along time but maybe I wasn’t paying much attention, or maybe I was just too involved to see beyond what’s obvious. “Everything fades away” okay maybe not everything but most things fade away. Pain fades away into just a small stinging memory in the back of your mind, How it feels to be overwhelmed fades away to just being numb, Joy fades away into a happy memory of the happy long lost times. Everything fades away BUT I’ve also discovered that I get to decide to what it shall fade away.


I could choose for the pain to fade away till I can’t feel it anymore and I can choose to keep it throbbing. I can choose to deal with being overwhelmed and eventually become strong enough to bear it or I can settle for being numb. I can choose to hold on to MY joy or I can let it slip away. Life will fade away only if I let it.


I’ve had a lot of feelings bottled up lately. Some were good ones and some weren’t that good. Eventually they faded away. I have to admit that I let some of them fade away intentionally. I’ve also discovered that I’m tired of having to be strong all the time. I wanted my time to not be so strong. I don’t want to be weak; I just don’t want to be pushed into being strong. I want a break.


I certainly stepped away from my comfort zone and I certainly hated it at first. Then I started adjusting and eventually I liked parts of it. I still want my life the way it is, and I still want to get back to the world I’m used to. However, this experience was rewarding in several ways that I must overlook all the downsides.


I still have to stay away form home for two more weeks but I feel ready to go back to my world. I still have some feelings that I need to let fade away, but I also have some that I’d like to hold on too. I don’t want life to fade away unless I choose that it does. It’s my time to call the shots now. I won’t be pushed and I won’t be settling for anything less than what I want. I’ve seen and learned what makes me inclined to take control of my life. It’s about time!


Yours,

Moving on...

“Moving on”, personally I was one of the biggest fans of moving on. I‘ve always promoted a positive attitude and the idea of letting go of the past. In my personal life moving on was never easy but I tried to do it as much as I could. I try to think that I have moved on, I act as if I have moved on. Even though in reality some facts cannot be overlooked and some moments can never be erased or forgotten.
So, basically I loved the idea of moving on, I believed in the idea of moving on and I certainly was happy trying to move on, but then something changed.

“What is worse than grief is its disappearance” *

When I first read this, I totally understood what it meant. It went right through all my pretenses and settled in the deepest place in my mind. I knew exactly what it meant. I’ve felt it, I’ve tried to ignore it but also I’ve acknowledged it. There can be something that is worse than grief and sadness, its called numbness. Moving on is the healthiest thing anyone could do, I totally agree but everything comes at a price.


Usually, when you try to move on that means that something painful happened. It’s probably associated with someone important in your life too. Everything around you is encouraging you to move on and put yourself out of your own misery. You spend the following days focusing all your energy on moving on. You try to kill every thought and every memory that hurts you. You fall into the pretense that everything is okay and that you are okay. Until one day it’s not a pretense anymore, you have really moved on.


You now mean it when you say that you are fine. The things that you used to avoid now mean nothing to you. That painful memory is now gone and it took some pieces of you with it. Forgetting is indeed a blessing. It does relief you from the pain of remembering hurtful memories but when forgetting changes into merely being numb, moving on is not so promising anymore.


Sometimes moving on doesn’t mean only getting over some sad memory, it might mean letting go of some part of you that you used to love, it might mean letting go of someone that used to mean something important to you. It means much more than just pushing away hurtful memories.


So next time you think it’s time to move on, take a moment to think of the pieces of yourself that you will lose. Pay attention so you don’t fall into the numbness of trying to move on. Try to move on without losing the things you loved about yourself. Once you’ve moved on, you can never go back.

"ليس ابشع شيئ الحزن و لكن اختفاء الحزن" *

قصة "انا الملك جئت" بهاء طاهر

Inspired by a post in the following blog:
http://hadouta.blogspot.com/

Walking around unfamiliar places...

  I walked around the unfamiliar places, searching through unfamiliar faces trying to process what has just happened. I don't know for how long I've been walking but I can see the sun heading west so I can tell that it's been a while since I left the house. I walked and walked and all I could see around me was unfamiliar places. Places that I don't know and I've never seen before. Everything around me is so different, the streets are different, the people are different, even the air smells different.


   When I look back at the past few days, I can't bring myself to regret my decision to come here. Even though things didn't go according to my plans, even though my decision brought me more misery than comfort, I can't bring myself to regret my decision as I swore to benefit from the experience no matter what happens. 


   I can't tell if it was a good or a bad decision to put myself in such an unfamiliar environment, with no emotional support to back me up. I don't know if it was intuition or merely an impulsive need for the experiment. Yes, this was an experiment. I wanted to push myself beyond my limits. I wanted to force myself out of my comfort zone. I wanted to see what it would be like if this was my life. I did everything I meant to do; I pushed myself, forced myself and tortured myself.

   I'm trying as hard as I can to see the bigger picture, even if it wasn't the picture I had in mind. I did have another picture in mind, maybe it wasn't that much hopeful than this one but I had the benefit of not knowing. Now I know that this is the picture I've got and it may not change for a while or even at all. I'm trying to focus only on the good side of the picture and ignore all the clutter and all the mess. I'm trying my best, I really am.

   There are good sides to the current situation. I did manage to adjust and depend on myself. I was independent already, but living on your own is different. It's one thing to be independent by choice and knowing that you have someone that can help you if you needed help, and it's entirely different to have no one to help you other than yourself. Even though it is a hard experience, I have benefited from it and I'm still benefiting.

   This was a good idea. I followed my intuition when I accepted the invitation to step out of my life and step into another one temporarily. I wanted to try the other side of the coin that represents my life. Was it an unpredictable decision? Yes it defiantly was, but was it a bad one? No I don't think so. It's an adventure, and in every adventure there are always some obstacles and some misfortunes but they never lessen the thrill of the adventure.


I took a deep breath as I reached the end of my self-performed pep talk and told myself:

"Remember this is an adventure."

"You can do this, it's only temporarily."

 "Follow your intuition, trust yourself."

I kept telling myself that as I headed back to the house that was temporarily called "home"

The 21st floor balcony...

She sighed deeply,as she viewed the city from the 21st floor balcony. The place was so peaceful as if reminding her of what she always seeks, “a quiet mind”. Everything just looked so small from up there, even her problems seemed smaller to her. She could see the endless sky; it was quiet and beautiful. She could finally relax and let the gentle wind carry away all her troubles. 


She nestled deeper in her rocking chair and closed her eyes, embracing the peace she always wanted with a tiny smile on her lips. On her way up to the 21st floor, she left behind all her sorrows, all her tears and all her troubles .This place was meant to be peaceful and shouldn’t be tainted with all the mess in her mind.


A gentle breeze ruffled her hair as she opened her eyes again to the beautiful scene before her eyes. She watched the sunset as the sun tainted the blue sky with a delicate orange color. It was a beautiful painting created by God and she got to see and enjoy such beauty form this remarkable place.


She remembered when she was a little girl afraid of heights, yet always wanted to see how little everything looks form up there, even if it scares her. She was a different person back then. She was fun, adventurous and outgoing. Her smile was always there lighting up her face, she was happy and everything around her seemed full with possibilities.


On the 21st floor balcony, she let go of her fears. She became a free spirit. It wasn’t just a beautiful spot to watch the city from the top or enjoy a beautiful view. The 21stfloor balcony was her sanctuary; it’s a place where she can be whoever she wants to be, where she can let go of the dreams she didn’t realize and dream new ones. It’s a place that brings her back to that time where everything was possible. That time when she wanted everything and much more.


She loved the time she spent away fromhe world in her own space. It was her place and her peace. She cherished sitting there in her rocking chair on the 21st floor balcony with her hopes, her dreams and her quiet mind.

Letter to the sea...

Dear sea,


Ever since I was a little girl I heard people saying that they love you so much because they can “talk” to you freely and tell you all their secrets. I didn’t fully get it at that time and as I grew up I still didn’t understand what they meant by talking to you. Now, since I’ll be staying close to you for a while, I thought why don’t I give this a try and “talk” to you maybe I’ll find something I’ve been looking for everywhere else.


So I’ve been staying in Alexandria for about two weeks now and I have to say that this particular timing is special for me. I’ve already lived in this amazing city for the first 10 years of my life, but I have to admit I was never really attached to you. As I started to grow up and evolve spiritually, I am able now to partially understand why people attach you to reaching a pure spiritual state. Even though I visit Alex several times each year, yet this particular time I feel completely different. I feel attached to you in a whole new way.


I’ve always loved being near you in the early morning, the way the air smells is just amazingly refreshing. I find my self wanting and needing to walk by you and smell the fresh air even though I’ve always preferred gardens for a peaceful place to go. I think something is changing inside of me and I don’t know what it is.


I feel so different. I know I always feel different when I’m in Alex but this time I feel completely different than any other time. It’s like I reached a new level in the game that is my life and I’m getting to know my surroundings. I’m feeling several different emotions and it’s making me confused. I don’t even understand how I’m feeling all those things at the same time.


I truly hope that time will help me adjust and sort everything out. I wish that my time in Alex the city, that holds the best memories I have, passes peacefully and I’m looking forward to figuring you out and discover new parts of myself with you. Hopefully you will teach me what people mean when they say they love “talking” to you.

Yours,

N.